Thursday, April 14, 2011

To Boldly Go Where No Toddler Has Gone BEFORE!

I have returned from the void and I come bearing gifts.  Where have I been?  I will get to that in a few moments.  Let me explain a couple of key points.  Gillian has a normal full size regular height big girl twin bed.  Liana does not.  Liana's bed was once the pull out part of a trundle bed from when Aunt Rin was a youngin.  It is old, held together by aged springs, and tilts oddly to the left.  Needless to say, my parents try to keep me from exploring under Liana's bed, or as I like to call it, THE CAVE OF WONDERS!
Just like Aladdin looking for that silly Neti Pot that grants wishes, I have yearned, no, desired, no, craved finding what treasures are hiding in that land lost in time.  (Even the lint bunnies are prehistoric, mutated, and inorganic,)  A few nights ago, I had a small window of time while Gillian and Liana inadvertently distracted Mom.  Like a bat out of hell, I went into the chasm of quandary.  I saw wonderful wonders and fantastical fancies.  To those watching, they would have seen my torso and legs slowly get slurped up like my sisters sucking up spaghetti.  While in there, I looked around and found something truly amazing.  Something that had the power to prove my theories.  I found...
wait for it...
wait for it...

A Binky!

Not impressed?  You say that they are all over my house and easy to find if one looks?  Let me remind you of the Lost Binky Theory that will be published in the summer issue of Awesome Baby (a peer edited journal by babies for babies who are awesome).  I got a column in it, of course, since I am awesomeness personified.
Once one binky has been found, other lost binkies will turn up.  Also the more lost the primary binky was, the greater the treasure trove that will be found.
This binky was not from the normal stock. This binky was an infant binky not seen in rotation for a good eight months. How did it get under the bed in the first place? I wasn't even mobile when I would have last used it. I thought Mom had collected and thrown away all of its kind. But, alas, one remains. One baby binky to rule them all. I can't even begin to imagine the treasures that will come to me now.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Swiffering, Schooling, and Solomons...

1.  Swiffering.  Mom bought a new Swiffer at the store because the old one broke. Until trash day tomorrow, we now have two. She put on the short handle and put one in each of my really cute delicate awesome hands.  I was like the business end of a curling team Swiffering up and down our house.  Nothing got in my way; to watch me Swiffer was like watching an angel Swiffer.  I was majestic.  Even better, I had perfectly balanced Gillian defense wands.  When she got too close to me, the Swiffers got too close to her, if you are catching my drift.  Who knows? Being a domestic might be in my future.

2.  Overheard this conversation on the way to school:  Gillian looked at Mom in the car and told her,  "Mom, I think you took the wrong classes in college."
"Why is that, Gillian?"  Mom responded.
To which Gillian responded, "Because you just turned into a mom."  Wow!  With heated antifeminist rhetoric like that, it is surprising that Gillian only wears skirts and dresses. 

3.  So, my second middle name is spelled differently on my birth certificate and Social Security Card, so I ask you my fans, which version should I use?  Frederick or Frederic?  Keep or Kapsize the K?  It is not like it is up to you all, but my parents might like the suggestions.  Why Solomon as the header for this section?  That is middle name Alpha.  Duh.

*.  Today is 4/11/11.  That could also be written like 4l11l11.  That is crazy,  Just wait for November, 11th.  It will blow your mind, but make perfect sense in Binary.

Hope April is treating you all well.  In less than two months I take over camp.  Call me to hang out before I go.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I made a new friend!

Before I tell you all about my new friend, I must make a declaration.  I WILL post more this month.  I will shower you all with Asher a Day posts this April.  I will do what I can to blog for you to fulfill my goal of entertaining you, educating you, and edutaining you.  This I solemnly swear to you, my loyal readers.

Now to my new friend.  I guess I should say friends because they are everywhere.  They are in my house, at the mall, I guess everywhere indoors.  I love my new friends.   I like looking at them, touching them, calling them "up," having one-sided yelling conversations with them, and being lulled to sleep by their blinking green eye.  Have I confused you?  Sorry.

My new friends are smoke detectors.  How did I not notice them in all their majesty before?  You want to see me happy? Hold me up so that I can caress my new friend.  It brings me such joy!  Why must they be soooooooooooo far away?  What, you think I am joking?  I am not.  I really like smoke detectors. 

Smokey, my BFF!

One day I was sitting in peace away from Gillian when I decided to throw myself backwards. I like doing this--it is fun.  I happened to end up on my back and I saw a friend just hanging around on the ceiling, winking at me.  What can I say, we have so much in common.  We both like soup, we both can scream, best friends.  That is us.  Me and Smokey,  BFFs!